I Just Wish...

It may be a bit too depressing for some, and for others it may be alright. The picture I drew was sketched off the internet, NOT traced. It is at the bottom of the page. Hope you enjoy, and please give me some feedback in return, I'd really really appreciate it! :)

-
My tears say it all.

I'm sad. I'm lonely. I'm hopeless. 

The scars on my arm are painful, which give me no more reason to live much longer. 

My father had a tough day at work. 

I just sat there, my 14 year-old self, on our beige couch. 

As he approaches me with his powerful palm holding tightly his thick black Armani belt. 

My back, numb. 

My thighs, numb. 

My arms, numb. 

Sooner or later, our couch turned into a light shade of red, since that chair was the oldest we owned, it played the role of a grave. A grave where the human body lays, where the non functioning muscles stay, where the endless blood pours from your opened scars, I say. 

My back is the ugliest. 

My arms are the least. 

My natural dark-to-light  brown hair was my best and most attractive feature. 

My father loved it.

I inherited it from my divine mother, may God rest her soul. 

Sometimes I hate being beautiful.

Sometimes I just wish I was hideous. 

For beauty is the aspect that triggers the abuse, some began from the admiration of my hair, and some began from work stress. 

My father beats me. 

Every morning.

Every night.

I want to tell somebody older than me. 

I wish I could. 

But my father forbids me to leave the basement. 

To have any physical or verbal contact with anyone behind my door. 

I don't have a cellphone. 

The landline doesn't exist in my room. 

All I've got are pencils and papers. 

Writing is all I've got. 

No education. 

No social life. 

No happiness. 

No joy. 

No sleep. 

I just wish he would kill me and take my life away instead of letting me live in torture. 

I just wish he would end it all with a pull of a trigger. 

Or a hard poke of a knife, going straight through my innocent heart. 

I just wish my mother were still here with me. 

I just wish it would all be over. 

I just wish I could watch TV or ride a bike. 

I just wish I could swim in the ocean with the beautiful fish. 

I just wish I was an ordinary teenager. 

I just wish my wishes won't be too hard to grant.

I just wish...

70 Days; Chapter 16; Epilogue

Day #70;

The cold breeze moving my light, brown hair, allowing it to hit against my rose cheeks and its ends to poke my eyes.

The fresh, chilly air surrounds me.

The brown ground laying crying out of boredom because there seems to be no grass over it, accompanying their muddy surface.

The leafless trees are dancing to the wind and the light drizzles.

That's the smell of sweet serendipity.

Finally, winter break, finally back home to where I belong.

-

Following Rashed's game rules, I did not even attempt to call or text him after our conversation.

I wanted him to know that I love him.

I'm going to prove it.

He told me he's coming home in a few days.

Ah, I just can't wait!

Tomorrow morning I'm supposed to break the silence of the second game, since the first one will be officially over.

As soon as I was finished with my daily showers, I felt vibration coming from my wooden desk.

It was the most unexpected person.

Deena.

I answered it and held it against my right ear.

"Hello?" she said.

"Hi," I answered.

"Hey, when did you come back?" she asked.

"Early this morning," I replied.

I didn't ask her likewise since she was studying in the same local area.

"You must be tired, then, call me whenever you feel like getting out of the house," she offered.

"Will, do, bye,"

And the phone call ended.

I, honestly, do miss Deena. Though she treated me like garbage, I missed her. I'm actually looking forward to seeing her again, to catch up on each other's news and stuff.

-

It was 2 PM and I was just about to sit down on my pink velvet couch and watch The Call. I made popcorn and everything, until my phone vibrated once again, blinking and an unsaved number was plastered on the screen. It couldn't be Deena, again.

I held it and pressed on the 'answer' button.

"Hello?" I spoke.

I heard breathing.

"Hello?" I repeated.

"Hello, darling, Jade, it's Rashed's mother!" she said dawdling.

Well that was a relief.

"Hi, Aunty, how are you?" I asked.

"I'm great, sorry for disturbing you, but I just wanted to know if you could come over any time now?" she invited, with a slow tone.

I was too afraid to ask about Rashed, since if she had told him, when he returns, that I asked about him, it would totally destroy the whole mood of the second game.

"Sure," I responded.

I placed the bowl of popcorn on my kitchen counter, and texted my mother that I will be visiting her, since she was out for lunch and my father, as usual, was out of the country.

I entered my room, picked out my outfit for the day. My navy jeggings, along with a white, semi-formal, winter sweater, along with my black Uggs, and my hair was left down straight, brushed, of course, and a thin black braided headband was placed over my hair.

On the way I picked up a bouquet of red roses for her and drove to her home. Rashed explained to me where it was, before. I was surprised I worked as a great GPS system.

So happily, I rang the button and the gate widely opened.

I parked my car and walked over to the front door.

It was already opened, but I knocked as I was half way through. I heard recitation of the Holy Quran as the background sound.

Approaching me was his mother.

I didn't want to stare at her face in order to find any changes, so I only greeted and followed her into the sitting room.

The house was very modern yet classic. It offered few touches of both. It had a wonderful smell, it kind of smelled like Rashed, which made me miss him more.

I held out the flowers for her with a big grin.

"These are for you," I said.

I don't think she heard me.

She didn't look as happy, I wondered why.

As I got up from my seat to walk over to her, to hand her the bouquet, I said, "These are-"

Interrupted, Fawaz ran in, panicking, and screamed in shock, "Where is he?!"

Confusion overwhelmed my clueless brain.

Fawaz payed no attention to me whatsoever.

His mother stood up, oh so slowly, and pointed, in pain, to the far room at the end of the hallway, I couldn't see it, though.

I watched Fawaz run and disappear.

His mother stayed in her last position and was unable to move.

"Aunty, is there something wrong?" I asked disoriented.

She mumbled a few words that I couldn't recall ever knowing the definitions of.

"Aunty?" I asked even more confused and worried.

"R-r-r-a-s-h-h-" she murmured.

My heart dropped, I didn't know what to do.

"But, Rashed isn't here..." I assured her.

She stood for a moment.

But a few seconds after that, a tear fell from her eye and hit the floor.

I walked gently and sluggishly to the room where Fawaz hurried to, I figured it out even though I was incapable of seeing the room from where I was sitting.

I had no other place to the put flowers so I brought them along with me.

As I extended my right foot into the room and looked up, I felt my heart stop beating.

Fawaz was leaning against a chest of a body.

I walked over to him, still so confused, and slowly pulled the cover covering the person from the head.

I didn't even have the ability to cry.

To shed a single tear.

Fawaz was leaning on the chest of the one I love.

The chest that belongs to Rashed.

I have no words to describe how I feel, this very moment.

Rashed.

Back home.

Bed.

Pain.

Sadness.

Death.

After staring at him, I knew Fawaz couldn't handle it anymore, hence, is the reason why he left the room, sobbing unstoppably.

I sat on the floor wondering why, why was it Rashed's time to leave us? It's so soon...

I held myself from any future reaction and just felt an aching sensation rush through the veins of my feet all the way to the veins of my head.

Moments later, I was able to talk. I was able to feel, I was no longer numb anymore.

I was alone in the room.

I looked around me, looked at the baby photos of Rashed, and then glanced back to him.

A tear rolled down my cheeks.

"No!" "No!" "No!" I screamed in agony, in pain, in an indescribable ache.

I placed the side of my head on his chest, hoping to hear a heart beat.

It was unbelievable.

"He left something for you," a voice was audible from behind me.

I turned around and it was his pale-looking mother.

"W-w-h-a-t-?" I answered in hesitation.

She took out an envelope and approached me slowly, so fearful of taking a look at the body behind me.

I removed it out of her weak hands, held it into mine, and watched her leave the room, leaving Rashed and I alone once again.

I picked up the bouquet, positioned it over Rashed's chest, opened the envelope, took out the letter, and began reading the following words,

"Dear Jade,

I'm going to start this letter off with a simple thank you. You've helped me with not only to gain popularity, but also to realize how selfish I was of taking advantage of you like that, it was very childish of me. Seeking popularity is the farthest thing I can find away from maturity.

I truly love you, Jade, with all my heart, ever since we met, I couldn't stop thinking about you.You've been such an inspiration to me, I swear.

 I know my disease put you into a lot of pain, and I'm sorry for that, I really am. I'm also sorry I didn't tell you I was still stuck in the hospital when you thought I was being released.

I didn't want you to worry during your exams.

I may make it seem it is as bad as cancer, right now, and I may have not fought this illness, but if I was still there with you, I would fight any day, for you.

The doctor confessed to me that I didn't have much time to live anymore, which is also why I decided to write to you this farewell letter.

I'm still going to be with you everywhere you go, so don't think you got rid of me that easily.

Please don't be sad, just think of it this way. If I was still there, I would be in more pain, I would be suffering. But right now, I'm in such a relief where I can't even describe how happy I am that I feel no pain anymore.

I want you to move on, make the best out of the life you have. Love, laugh, cry, you only live once, my dear princess.

I know you have the ability to be the best woman out there, I truly believe that, from the bottom of my heart.

I'm sorry again for leaving you, but please, try your hardest to reject the tears, because I know you're much stronger than that, Jade. I don't expect you to forget about me so soon, but I beg of you, never say goodbye to me.

No words can describe how I feel about you, I think that's why my heart stopped beating, I probably spoke about you out loud, stating how much I love you to death.

Well, Jade, I don't have much time to write a lot, in spite of your endless hope for me, I don't know what to say when it comes to these things. The doctor is calling me, but I want to end this letter with tears of joy and not grief.

Remember when I created the second game? Congratulations, you haven't spoken to me for more than three days. Now, please try to do that everyday...

And remember when I told you I'm still counting? Guess what, Jade? It's the 70th day."

70 Days; Chapter 15

So nice to finally see my classmates and friends again, here in London.

Still haven't gone back to my classes yet, since I'm still feeling a bit frail, but I'll be back on track soon.

Rashed is finally leaving the hospital today, since he's all better now, thank God!

Winter break is in two weeks, and the annual checkpoint examinations are in one.

In spite of my high marks, studying too much and worrying is not a problem for me.

I have no intention to brag, although ever since I was little, I used to have a very quick and fast way of learning and consuming all sorts of knowledge.

Once I study something, the idea of it never escapes from my head. But really, I also enjoy doing things ahead of time, in order to give myself more free periods in the future.

And I'm thankful for that, really.

-

I picked up my phone and dialed my classmate's number. He explained to me everything I've missed and I ended the phone call with a, "Thanks a lot! I'll take it from here."

-

Days #60-65

I approached my desk slowly, picked up my 'Financial Economics' book, and began reading through the pages my class studied.

-

After realizing I've missed quite a lot of lessons, I was studying in most of my free time, which is just an easy way to catch up.

I keep on promising myself I would check on Rashed every half an hour, but the books dragged me all the way in their world of letters, words, and information.

I had no other spare time other than the time I was using up to study.

-

By the time it was two days later, I was back to my classes, and was very closely prepared for my exams in a few days.

-

Day #66;

Rashed's perspective;

The blood test.

It wasn't wrong.

My kidney-oh, I mean Jade's, is beginning to fail.

Just like the first time, only worse, quoting the doctor.

After redoing the test, they also realized that my second kidney was beginning to appear inferior.

They looked for donations, but the doctor said if I had a second transplant, I would have to live a very risky life, and be extremely careful.

I don't want to be careful.

I want to live my life.

I want to have fun.

I don't want to be careful.

Jade thinks I'm out of the hospital, back to my normal life.

But, what is normal?

I've been in this death trap for a long time, now.

I bet nothing can defeat this illness, whether it was Jade's kidney, or the healthiest person's on the face of this Earth.

A lesson I've learned through the time I've spent in this plain, white room was to change what you can't accept.

I can't accept this, but nothing is able to twist it to its good side.

Therefore, the walls also taught me that you should also accept what you can't change.

Not everything in life goes your way, I keep repeating to myself.

Yes, I may complain a lot about my illness, but that's only out of question and confusion. I'm confused. I'm confused about me being the chosen one.

Plus, this is exactly how others would've responded to their sickness, too.

My parents were here, in the hospital, ever since, as well as my twin sisters, but have glanced into the room to check on me few times a day, since whenever they did, my mother would break down, doubtful of her very own son's hope. My brother decided not to come along, he would be too sad and disappointed, he would rather wait until I'm back and okay again.

-

"Jade," I wrote to her, since it has been a while since we've spoken.

"Rashed," she typed back, "been such a wreck with all the catching up to do, sorry we didn't talk,"

"Not to worry. How have you been, lately?" I asked, thoughtless, hoping she won't ask me likewise.

"Feeling much better, and you?" she did.

"Not bad," I lied.

"My princess," I wrote, additionally.

"My prince," she responded.

"Do you know why I call you that? 'My princess?'" I questioned, seeking her intelligence, although I'm sure she would guess it wrongly.

"Why?" she asked.

"Truly because you are one, and secondly, because I see your world as a magical kingdom, with your long, light, brown hair, and your strong character playing the gate of your home, protecting enemies from getting through... The white clouds behind your divine castle glow as white as your teeth, and your beautiful, hazel eyes shining stunningly as bright as the nightly fireworks," I wrote, "Jade?"

"Yeah?" she replied.

"As soon as this is all over, I'm coming back, for YOU,"

"I'll be waiting, unsteadily," she said.

"We belong together, I didn't expect this but this game was the best mistake I've ever made," I typed, "are you sure you're human?"

"I think I am, yes, why? Hahaha." she answered.

"Because all I notice is a pure angel," I said.

At that moment, I wanted her take me into her arms. I wish to be her shade, and I wish to hold her soft, moisturized hands once again and watch our life pass through it. How am I supposed to live my life without a heart, while its been in the palm of her hands ever since?

Like I told her before, she stole it.

-

"Up for phase 2, Jade?" I asked, "another game?"

"Bring it on," she responded.

"Are you in love with me?" I asked again, anxiously.

It was indeed a tricky question. Even though I lived across the world away from her, I was still capable of feeling Jade's emotions.

A few moments later, she replied, "Yes,"

"Since the game ends in 4 days, I want you to prove to me you love me. Try not communicate with me, through the phone, through text, or through any possible way until the game is officially over." I said.

"Is that all you got?" she asked with a sneer face at the end, "you've got yourself a deal."

"Great! Oh-and Jade?" I said.

Even after five minutes, she hasn't replied, yet.

"Jade?"

No reply. It was impossible for her to fall asleep at her time of day.

"Are you there?"

From that second, I had a feeling the second game already began.